(Just like) Starting Over

One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog more.  I haven't blogged in quite some time; and there's good reason for that.  Looking back on this page, I realize that a lot has changed in a big way shortly after my last post, which has left me feeling like a different person than whoever wrote those earlier posts.  And so this has been something I've avoided, as well as journaling much in any other venue.  But a new year is a time for new beginnings, so I'm back at it.

Exactly a week after my last post, I lost the most important person in my life, my Dad.  He'd ended up in the hospital just 5 days before, and although I was scared about what was going on, I had no idea that he would never come back home again.   The thing is, he's faced a number of very serious health issues on and off for the past 15 years, so I lost count of how many times he's ended up in the hospital in that time.  As awful as those experiences were, they ended up bringing us a lot closer, I appreciated the time I had left with him.  But, it also desensitized me to the idea that his time would eventually run out; as I sat in the ICU with him the last few days, I still was in disbelief.  

This has been undoubtedly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with for a number of reasons; the weeks that followed presented all sorts of challenges and negative experiences, which have brought some old resentments back to the surface.  I couldn't have gotten through it without J and my amazing friends, who I consider my real family.  And, unexpectedly, it presented the opportunity to me to have a relationship with my sister again.   I'm sure the loss will leave me a stronger person, but at the same time, I feel like I will never face an experience as difficult as this one again.

So many years ago, I started wondering how my life would possibly go on without my Dad.  Even in my adult years, I still wondered that, seeing as he was the only bio family that I had any connection to.  But, life does go on; it has for about 3 months now, with some new adjustments (we've inherited his dog which is a lot more work than I thought it would be!).  And for me, it goes on with a new sense of purpose; being more committed to my health, being more committed to helping others, and just trying to live in a way that'll make him proud.