Dealing with angry confrontational clients; not my idea of fun, but it's nothing as scary to me as it used to be. In the past week, I've had 2 particularly tense interactions with clients, and they just didn't phase me. In fact, I think I effectively diffused the situations in a relatively efficient manner; I sort of feel like a Jedi master in a way.
Not that I've established some form of mind control (Man, that would be sweet; I would convince Jon Hamm he loves me). But, what I've come to realize is that, what I've been trained to do is pretty effective; to not react by matching the client's intensity and hostility. Starting out in this field years ago in a residential substance abuse program, I was not then taught about the importance of a non-confrontational approach; confrontation has for many years been the hallmark of substance abuse treatment; and though it's now been found to be ineffective, some in the field still do it. But, thankfully, in later years, I've been taught to roll with it.
So it got me thinking; ok, so the non-confrontational approach clearly de-escalates people; but, why? I have a few ideas. One is that I think it's simply unexpected; people are used to interacting with others in a certain pattern when they're upset, usually with loud volume, insulting comments, and maybe even threats, who knows.. And people usually do this with the expectation that the other person is going to react with equally matched vitriol. And so, when they're clients who are speaking at me in a nasty tone, and I just listen, and respond to their points with a calm, even tone, I almost always see a bit of hesitation and confusion on a client's face when my reaction registers with them. They're so thrown off, they don't keep yelling or insulting me or my agency because they're not sure what to make of the conversation (usually; some people, of course, are more persistent.)
But I don't think it's just the element of surprise. I think equally important to why this approach works is that people feel like they're being heard. Many of the clients I work with seem to come from a place where yelling, or being rude or intimidating is the only way that they've ever been heard by someone else, based on past experiences. It's a learned behavior, or a survival skill, in a way. And so, when they're realizing by my reactions to them, that I'm hearing them, and accepting of their anger or frustrations (even if it's about my agency or a mistake I made), they no longer have to yell and be nasty about it, because they're message was received. I think that part of it too, is that some people approach a conversation with their hackles up, they're ready for you to tell them they're wrong, or their feelings aren't important. Again, this probably comes from negative past experiences. And so, when they're not receiving that message in response, it's a positive thing, but it's disarming as well. There's a bit of an adjustment period for people to re-learn how to assertively communicate their needs and thoughts, to separate their content from the reaction they're expecting from the other person, to be able to be heard more effectively.
Anger and hostility often also come out of a sense that someone has lost control in a situation. I was reminded of this yesterday with a client who was particularly perturbed about an agency policy. What was interesting though, was how differently he reacted when I asked him what he wanted to do at this point; did he want to continue treatment, or walk out because he was so upset. I think that him realizing he had still some control in this situation is at least part of what calmed him down a bit.
Simply put; I've come to realize that people who are acting or communicating in a hostile manner aren't necessarily looking for a fight; and so to give them one is usually futile for everyone involved. People usually come from a place of being unheard, powerless, or invalidated by past experiences, and as such, they've come to present themselves in an off-putting or confrontational manner to serve a certain purpose. Being able to view clients in this light has allowed me to understand just why the non-reactive approach is helpful. At the root of it all, people just want to be heard and validated, and to feel safe in communicating their thoughts or experiences. And when they know that you're being receptive to their message, they're a heck of a lot more likely to calm down and speak to you with some respect.
....Now that I think about it, maybe I have become a Jedi master.
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| "Ride the Wild Wind" is a song off of Queen's 1991 album Innuendo. |
1 comments:
I'm not sure about you being a Jedi Master, but human communication techniques are very effective in changing the flow of a conversation. When I was an RA in college, we called it "care-frontation". We never confronted a resident for a violation, we had to make it seem like we were concerned for their well being, but still get the point across. I'm a bit rusty on the details, since it was about 10 years ago.
Something more recent was a training I did called "Verbal Judo". This is a program that law enforcement and security personnel use to escalate or de-escalate an incident. I say escalate because there are some incidents that need to be ended quicker than others, and sometimes the only way is to make it more hostile. Typically, though, it is used to do exactly what you refer to. Let the person know they're being heard (not that their point is validated, but that it is noted and taken in consideration). Often disagreements and altercations are over misunderstandings that could easily be resolved with each side knowing all of the details (see their perspective).
One use I had dealt with an irate father over a sign being knocked over near his daughter by someone inside a store. That person had already left the area, and the father wanted my staff to locate him and have him arrested for assault. After speaking with the store clerk, I found out that the person had been looking at something, backed into the sign, knocking it over, become obviously embarrassed and left. There was no malicious intent. The father insisted it was an attempted attack on his daughter. When I finally got him to listen to the store clerk, he realized he was making more of an issue of it (not to mention embarrassing his teenage daughter) than was necessary for what was an accident, and he left. In this case, I represented the agency and policy. He, by definition, was a client. His threats to sue me, my client, and my company, I ignored, as well as his threat to have me arrested for various things he irrationally thought he could try to have me arrested for. It took a while, but the man left much calmer and I saw him many times later, even after stating he and his family would never step foot there again.
Back to your points...the basic crux is that it is not mind control, but that famous word "psychology" that best describes the process. Irrational minds seek order and a rational, non-chaotic state. If you present that branch to grasp, they will eventually grab it. On the other hand, the minority that refuse to take hold of the branch usually end up getting themselves into trouble. I think they want to de-escalate, but pride keeps them going. "I'm not going to back down because that will make me look weak, even though I know I'm wrong." The more arrogant and prideful the person, the longer they persist. Those who live more affluent lives tend to be the most prideful, and they have the most to lose if they go off the deep end.
The other holdouts are those who actually want a fight. They get off by instigating a fight. When you resist, they get angry, and try harder. The longer it goes, again, pride kicks in. "They won't get the best of me."
As for the feeling of not being heard, I agree. This is the most common cause of storming-in in a huff and on the offensive. Getting louder and more forceful is human nature. They think they aren't being heard, as if the other person is deaf or doesn't understand English (or whichever language), and they get louder. It works with people who are hard of hearing, not so much with people that do not know the language (or those who really DON'T care...DMV, IRS...not that I'm mentioning any names...hehe).
Now, to completely shift gears... "Ride the Wild Wind". Good title. A confrontation could very well be a wild wind that one must ride. The better you can steer the ride to your favor, the more favorable the outcome (for you). (BTW...you are Jedi Master Arasa Hascal and I am Jedi Master Leuwi Alsal)
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