Blurred vision

“No" is a complete sentence.” - Anne Lamott


   It's interesting to me, as little kids, we love to say it, but as we become adults, we have a such a hard time with it.   We can harness such resentment, frustration, and anger because we simply can't say no to people or  things.  Maybe it's out of a fear of conflict; maybe it's out of a belief that we're not worthy enough to set limits for ourselves.  Maybe it comes from simply not wanting to be really honest with others about what we really think of them, or what they're asking.  
   No matter the reasons behind it, the results are the same; resentment, anger, feeling powerless, and that we're stuck in some way.  We can end up being mad at other people or situations because they demand too much of us, and it doesn't seem to stop, and we wonder why the other person or situation just won't change,  Because we have poor boundaries; we don't have enough confidence in ourselves to be able to say "no" to things, or to try to set some sort of limits.  Rather than saying "no", or setting clear limits with others, we end up doing things that we inwardly resent, things that we know we can't or shouldn't do.  
I was particularly reminded of this during a recent conversation with my sister, and with a client today who complained about other people continuing to ask her for cigarettes.
    I trust that those of you who know me will recognize that I'm not trying to be harsh here, but, in these sort of situations, the fact is, things aren't going to change unless you recognize the role you and your poor boundaries play in being taken advantage of.
   Being that I know my sister, and know full well the source of her resentments; I could lay it out to her more bluntly than I could with my client.  Here's a summary-
The truth is; you're not "stuck" with anything, or anyone the way it is.  People can only take advantage of you,  continue to expect you to do certain things, if you keep allowing them to.  When you have poor boundaries, you don't say no, and you keep doing for others what you inwardly resent, or can't really take on.  Thus, you play a role in reinforcing their behaviors.  Like someone who keeps asking you for cigarettes; if you keep giving them out every time someone asks, well, then, they're gonna continue to ask, because they get what they want each time.
    I know it can be a scary concept,  but "No" really can be a complete sentence.  To be have strong personal boundaries is to be able to say no, without a need for an excuse, or explanation to that other person.  The act of saying no, even just once, can be a huge step in starting to set some limits for yourself.  To say no to someone else can be seen as saying yes to yourself; that you are worthy of some personal limits, and freedom from resentment.  It can be scary at first, but ultimately freeing when you realize that saying no leads to decreased resentments and feeling stuck.  That people who respond really negatively to your  "no's" probably don't respect you, and aren't worth as much time and effort as you've been giving them.  Along the way, you'll also likely realize that, you can set some limits for yourself, and the world keeps spinning; your worst fears of what'll happen when you start to say "no" won't likely come true.  And then, you'll be happy. 

"Blurred Vision" is a bonus track off of Queen's 1985 album "A Kind of Magic".....
 Which has music from "Highlander"... which is awesome.