Put Out The Fire

Sometimes, you just gotta cut toxicity out of your life.

Over the course of your lifetime, you will likely meet many many people who are worth your time; people who inspire you, who make you laugh, who care about you and support you.  But it is just as likely that you will also encounter at least some people who do just the opposite of that, people who are unsupportive, unkind, and who just bring nothing but negativity into your life.

The process of realizing that I have someone like this in my life, (someone that I am related to, to boot) has really sucked, and it has been a slow and painful process to come to terms with.  After months of no contact, I received an unexpected piece of mail from this person, and thankfully, it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it might.  But it did cause me a bit of a dilemma in terms of figuring out how and if to respond.

The decision to respond to someone who's caused you so much pain in the past is never an easy one.  There's usually the instinctive response to want to try to communicate to that other person just how they've hurt you, and to make sure they Really get it.  There's also the usual desire to try to get some understanding from that person; why did they say or do the things they did?  Did they even realize they caused so much pain, or chaos?  And then of course, there's usually the urge to just say or do something REALLY really hurtful to them, just to make them suffer a bit more, to make them feel as bad as they've made you feel.

Or, there's the avenue of not responding whatsoever, to try to maintain a total disconnect from that person, sometimes in hopes that they'll just get it, and come to their senses, and apologize.

All of these options rolled through my head the past couple of days.  After years of experience, and having learned some things from the work that I do, I've realized that you can't always communicate to that other person in a way that ensures that they really get it and feel sorry for what they've done.  You have no control over how that other person receives the message, AND, if they receive it in a way that doesn't get you the results you'd expected, you're bound to carry some serious resentments.  It's also become clear to me that wanting to search for reasoning from that other person for their behaviors is just as futile; cause A. they likely can't give you an answer that you'll find satisfactory, and B. Even if they do, it doesn't erase your hurt.  Through my teenage years, I've also realized that lashing out at that other person with intentions of making them hurt just as bad or worse than you doesn't really work either.  It too does not erase your pain, and it also seems to have this awful side effect of making you feel ashamed of yourself.  When you're stuck in a place where you expect some answers, an apology, or mutually reciprocated pain, you're just stuck holding the bag, so to speak, and that's a really disempowering, angry place to be.  I should know, I've been there before.

One other option is to simply communicate to the other person what your boundaries are, what you're willing and able to accept from that other person, free of any malice or unrealistic expectations of that other person.  This last point is really crucial; checking in with yourself about your motivations for the actions you're going to take is absolutely necessary.  To be true to yourself is to chose a course of action that fits with whatever motivations that you and your conscience are comfortable with.

After much thought, I've decided to take this last course of action; to communicate clearly and concisely what my boundaries are with this other person, which in this case has to be no further contact.  I've made this decision consciously for several months now, but somehow, writing it on paper, putting it in a letter has made me feel more committed to it, and ultimately, more empowered.  This decision is helping me to close a chapter, to "put out the fire", so to speak.

In closing, I will leave you with this parting quote;
"Do what you can,
 where you are
 with what you have" - Teddy Roosevelt.

"Put Out The Fire" is from the 1982 Queen Album Hot Space.
  Still the worst Queen record ever, but the song is actually not quite so bad.